Believe EVERYTHING You Read

Brooke Richmond, Staff Writer

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Chicken is fried, and we may be also, when West Virginia becomes an island.

Local outrage has recently ensued after the occurrence of many unfortunate events on April 1st, 2019. Those lucky enough to have not witnessed the events may not be aware of the chaos caused by them, unlikely as they are. Some say that the occurrences are something straight out of a movie! In fact, many people are yet to prepare for the possibility of further tragedies because of the outright ridiculousness of the events. The survivors of the BSMS newspaper staff heavily advise you to liberally descend into a full-on panic!

As I’m sure you’ve heard, snakes were discovered in the Beckley-Stratton Middle School plumbing system! Local teacher’s pet Jovey MacFarly claims she witnessed a python squirm out of a stall in the girls restroom! “I was so scared! I yelled, ‘Somewon help me please uwu!’ and immediately phoned for the Federal Government.” Many of the students traumatized by the toilet snakes were sent to the counselor in an effort to calm them down, but to no avail. After requests for an interview, BSMS principle, Mr. Smith, made only one statement on the issue: “To me, its obvious. [The snakes] were planted by the government.” After our interviewer asked for an elaboration, Mr. Smith raised his cape and disappeared into the night. 

In addition to this, West Virginians were alarmed when the NSMAO (National State Migration Analyzation Organization) announced that the entire state of West Virginia is predicted to completely separate from the states by 2020. Although this phenomenon is difficult for a landlocked state, NSMAO further reports that West Virginia is expected to remain habitable and intact after its initial detachment, levitation, and departure. The population of the state will soon begin to gather the proper preparations necessary to adjust to island life, including sunscreen, hula dresses, and boogie boards.

The last detrimental event is a concern of the entire country. Studies done by Harvard University report cases of sudden insanity popping up all over the United States, further suggesting the possibility of an upcoming outbreak of mass hysteria. The reoccurring details of the cases include incessant meowing and other cat-like behavior, excessive consumption of bricks, and repeated requests to listen to The Jonas Brothers. Multiple states, such as Oklahoma, Colorado, and Rhode Island, have prohibited anyone from entering or leaving to avoid spreading the epidemic. Over 300 schools, including elementary, middle, and high schools, have been closed due to the chaos caused by students affected by the hysteria. Rumors have suggested that Beckley-Stratton Middle School, with their newly sunburned students, may be next to fall victim.

Overall, the biggest tragedy is that this is totally fake news. Happy April Fools Day (Month)!